CROWD TROUBLE AS BATS DELIGHT & DELUDE
THE Bats went into week seven brimming with confidence and a sparkle not seen since the last ban on Sunday drinking. The team had one notable and continued absentee in Mr. Hodgson Snr with doubts now being cast over the centre backs career. All our hopes and thoughts go out to Timothy and the resurrection of his days as a major player.
Dads Army undertook their typical tedious tactical display, which the Bats deciphered quickly and set about undoing. It was not long before they struck and drew first blood. The first strike coming from Andy Hep going straight for the jugular with fatal effects. Again a confident team passed well and moved quickly often leaving the D’Army in disarray. Solid defending backed up the front line and it was not long before a 2nd and 3rd goal followed and the game was put well out of reach from the opposition.
Hepburn Snr and now more appropriately named ‘the Cat’ collected his first clean sheet of the season. Athletic pouncing, prancing and superb shot stopping reactions now install him as a prime contender for the No. 1 spot. The keeper also being responsible for two fine assists and constantly keeping his boyz vocally aware of the fast paced game. Although quoted post match as saying ‘he prefers the ruff and tumble of outfield play’ he has added another dynamic to this ever more resourceful team.
In comparison to the first match the second display had undertones of arrogance followed very quickly by shock and what can only be described as hapless superciliousness. Rather like a proud Stag stood defiant in the Scottish highlands after an over zealous rutting season, but unbeknown to the Stag he has 5 rifle sights trained on his ass ready to kill. And kill they did!
In the space of two minutes the Bats were three nil down. The keeper later announced he had given up after the first goal. However it was not until the slow motion replay that a story unfolded of perilous infighting and disdain that certain team members are inflicting on others. The self proclaimed Captain Ando was quite clearly seen and heard by members of the crowd bating the keeper and destroying his soul. From the back to the front the team collapsed. 5 – 0 down at half time. Two substitutions brought some life and respect to the second half, although Dynamo Dimo was so ill he failed to notice he had been substituted and Samsonite taken off due to shock. Four goal Felgate and the Self proclaimed Captain Ando took the field with some hopes of revival. But the crowd told a different story with drawn out deathly silences followed by booing everyone time Ando touched the ball. As the match entered the final minutes one goal was all that could be salvaged.
To end an indifferent night the final story of the day coming from the fans as they roared out ‘Are you Gallas in disguise?’. Ando seemed not to care as he petulantly left the pitch. A tunnel fracas, flare throwing and damage to the Wandle Stadium led to an emergency club statement. Soon after and live from the press office in GJ’s we were left with no misunderstanding that the Club are taking the power back by stripping him of his captaincy and his porno collection. Rumours are rife of an appointment in the coming weeks but the Club stated they will take their time and a decision will be made in true x-factor style (please note new voting system).
Once again a memorable evening for all but real signs the foundations are getting stronger and stronger.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Racing Bats Week 6 - 17/11/08
News in brief:
RACING BATS REVIVAL
The Racing Bats responded to calls from senior management and fans and demolished Spartak Mojo with a truly bold and defiant display. Four Goal Hero Damo linked well during his second start of the campaign. Not since Four Goal Felgate have the Bats experienced such striking prowess. An outstanding overall team performance excites all of positive things to come. The Bats second display of the evening was marred by fatigue and adrenaline burn out from their Mojo Victory. Nuff said.
PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---13--------6-------3-----------0---------0---------------2
A.Hodgson-------1-------0-------1-----------0---------0---------------0
T.Hodgson-------0-------0-------0-----------0---------0--------------0
S.McCartney-----10-------3-------3-----------3----------0--------------0
R.Felgate--------13------11-------5-----------0---------0--------------0
J.Hepburn-------11-------2-------5-----------2--------1---------------0
A.Hepburn-------8-------2--------3----------5---------1--------------0
D.Hepburn-------10-------2--------2----------3---------0---------------0
D. Stalley---------7-------9--------3----------0---------0--------------0
Tuesday, 25 November 2008
Friday, 14 November 2008
Director of Football: Half Season Report
As we reach the mid way point of the inaugural season I would like to congratulate all of the Racing Bats for avoiding relegation and taking down Spartak Mojo on goal difference. Despite some poor results and some very poor results we scored a healthy amount of goals, the leagues second top scorer! Unfortunately they were some what allocated to one or two games of free scoring madness. And unfortunately again that free scoring madness was politely extended to our competitors. You win some, you lose some.
Mary’s and Stanley depart our league and we are joined by Video Cali and Blue Mondays. Both of which have a leaky defensive record with 20 goals each against them, compare this to our 30 and we still have some work to do. This next season should see some notable returns to the squad with Big Hodge nearing full fitness and Damo finally finding his touch. The whereabouts of Little Hodge are currently unknown but tabloid press suggestions of a buddhist alcohol rehab retreat in darkest surrey are probably not far from the truth.
In my role as Director of Football I have been confidentially approached by a number of our team who have mentioned moral, tactical discipline and fitness as areas we need to improve on. Fitness is not my main worry but the preparation for the match is! Mentioning no names I’d like to raise a few key quotes that tell quite a story:
· “Oooh check me out I’m on gardening leave and smoked a joint at lunchtime” (Lesbian accent)
· “I just loved the first slide tackle so much I could not stop the second one man” (Ukrainian accent)
· “Urm yeah sorry fella, I just had 6 bottles of vino blanco with borko at lunch...chin up” (Watford accent)
· “I’m blowing out of my arse” (another Watford accent)
· “Back to the keeper, back to the keeper.....bloody listen next time”
· “Is anyone tracking back..............???”
· “F#ckin Sweet Man”
Putting that to one side I’d like to raise some positives and my top 5 key moments that helped define our season:
1. The Table Top
2. Danger Dimo (to be encouraged discreetly)
3. 4 Goal Felgate
4. Self proclaimed ‘Save of the Century’
5. Post Match De-brief and Cocktails
For the coming season I must ask for more commitment to less pre-match drinking and better defending with two touch pass and move. Particular efforts need to be applied to defending and man to man marking. Anyway we know all this so cheers and looking forwards to smashing Mojo next season with number one spot being the only option.
MUST BEAT MOJO....!!!
Laters and chin up.
The Cat
PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---9--------6-------3-----------0---------0---------------2
A.Hodgson-------1-------0-------1-----------0---------0---------------0
T.Hodgson-------0-------0-------0-----------0---------0--------------0
S.McCartney-----6-------3-------3-----------3----------0--------------0
R.Felgate--------9--------9-------3-----------0---------0--------------0
J.Hepburn-------8--------2-------3-----------1--------0---------------0
A.Hepburn-------6-------1--------2----------3---------0--------------0
D.Hepburn-------7-------2--------2----------2---------0---------------0
D. Stalley---------2-------3--------2----------0---------0--------------0
Mary’s and Stanley depart our league and we are joined by Video Cali and Blue Mondays. Both of which have a leaky defensive record with 20 goals each against them, compare this to our 30 and we still have some work to do. This next season should see some notable returns to the squad with Big Hodge nearing full fitness and Damo finally finding his touch. The whereabouts of Little Hodge are currently unknown but tabloid press suggestions of a buddhist alcohol rehab retreat in darkest surrey are probably not far from the truth.
In my role as Director of Football I have been confidentially approached by a number of our team who have mentioned moral, tactical discipline and fitness as areas we need to improve on. Fitness is not my main worry but the preparation for the match is! Mentioning no names I’d like to raise a few key quotes that tell quite a story:
· “Oooh check me out I’m on gardening leave and smoked a joint at lunchtime” (Lesbian accent)
· “I just loved the first slide tackle so much I could not stop the second one man” (Ukrainian accent)
· “Urm yeah sorry fella, I just had 6 bottles of vino blanco with borko at lunch...chin up” (Watford accent)
· “I’m blowing out of my arse” (another Watford accent)
· “Back to the keeper, back to the keeper.....bloody listen next time”
· “Is anyone tracking back..............???”
· “F#ckin Sweet Man”
Putting that to one side I’d like to raise some positives and my top 5 key moments that helped define our season:
1. The Table Top
2. Danger Dimo (to be encouraged discreetly)
3. 4 Goal Felgate
4. Self proclaimed ‘Save of the Century’
5. Post Match De-brief and Cocktails
For the coming season I must ask for more commitment to less pre-match drinking and better defending with two touch pass and move. Particular efforts need to be applied to defending and man to man marking. Anyway we know all this so cheers and looking forwards to smashing Mojo next season with number one spot being the only option.
MUST BEAT MOJO....!!!
Laters and chin up.
The Cat
PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---9--------6-------3-----------0---------0---------------2
A.Hodgson-------1-------0-------1-----------0---------0---------------0
T.Hodgson-------0-------0-------0-----------0---------0--------------0
S.McCartney-----6-------3-------3-----------3----------0--------------0
R.Felgate--------9--------9-------3-----------0---------0--------------0
J.Hepburn-------8--------2-------3-----------1--------0---------------0
A.Hepburn-------6-------1--------2----------3---------0--------------0
D.Hepburn-------7-------2--------2----------2---------0---------------0
D. Stalley---------2-------3--------2----------0---------0--------------0
Thursday, 6 November 2008
Racing Bats week 4 03/11/08
FANS RUE MISSED CHANCES AS BATS LOSE TO RIVALS - FOR A SECOND TIME!
Racing Bats 2 Spartak Mojo 4
Racing Bats 7 Dad's Army 1
AS RUMOURS were rife that Bats were looking at moving to the Tuesday league in the hope of finding easier opponents – the team once again followed an average performance with an inspiring win.
After an encouraging start to the first game against old rivals MOJO Bats managed to flop to defeat with talk that the turning-point may have been the early substitution on solid defender Duncan Hep.
BATS started the game looking energised and up-for-it and a number of passing movements saw them on equal terms for much of the clash. But after a hilarious miss from James Hep, which saw him get so far underneath the ball in front of goal that he backspun it weekly over the bar, Bats were on the back foot. Embarrassingly, and for the second week running, MOJO’s experience shone through in the latter parts of the match to seal them the victory.
The second game saw a debut start for ‘rumoured to have played up front for England Youths with Peter Crouch’ Damo Stalley – who advised the other players that “two touch football is the way forward.” The advice heeded and before long Bats players were knocking in goals left right and centre – with the ex-international himself netting a fine hat trick. The best of the efforts came from Sir Robert Felgate who rocketed home a marvellous right-footed half volley from well inside in own half. The ecstasy turned to winces however as Felgate thought it a good idea to slide on his knees in celebration – ripping them to shreds in the process.
Perhaps the biggest surprise of the night was the arrival on the goals table of ‘soon to be ex-manager’ Jimbo ‘The Cat’ Hepburn who in the midst of a slip blasted home a left foot beauty before claiming after the game “I realised that if I didn’t slip over I wouldn’t be able to direct it in!”
Another week, another up and down performance from the Bats who are now looking to tighten up their game, and particularly their defence, in time for next season.
PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---7--------4-------3-----------0---------0---------------2
A.Hodgson-------1-------0-------1-----------0---------0---------------0
T.Hodgson-------0-------0-------0-----------0---------0--------------0
S.McCartney-----5-------3-------3-----------2----------0--------------0
R.Felgate--------7--------9-------2-----------0---------0--------------0
J.Hepburn-------6--------1-------3-----------1--------0---------------0
A.Hepburn-------5-------1--------2----------2---------0--------------0
D.Hepburn-------5-------2--------1----------2---------0---------------0
D. Stalley---------2-------3--------2----------0---------0--------------0
Racing Bats 2 Spartak Mojo 4
Racing Bats 7 Dad's Army 1
AS RUMOURS were rife that Bats were looking at moving to the Tuesday league in the hope of finding easier opponents – the team once again followed an average performance with an inspiring win.
After an encouraging start to the first game against old rivals MOJO Bats managed to flop to defeat with talk that the turning-point may have been the early substitution on solid defender Duncan Hep.
BATS started the game looking energised and up-for-it and a number of passing movements saw them on equal terms for much of the clash. But after a hilarious miss from James Hep, which saw him get so far underneath the ball in front of goal that he backspun it weekly over the bar, Bats were on the back foot. Embarrassingly, and for the second week running, MOJO’s experience shone through in the latter parts of the match to seal them the victory.
The second game saw a debut start for ‘rumoured to have played up front for England Youths with Peter Crouch’ Damo Stalley – who advised the other players that “two touch football is the way forward.” The advice heeded and before long Bats players were knocking in goals left right and centre – with the ex-international himself netting a fine hat trick. The best of the efforts came from Sir Robert Felgate who rocketed home a marvellous right-footed half volley from well inside in own half. The ecstasy turned to winces however as Felgate thought it a good idea to slide on his knees in celebration – ripping them to shreds in the process.
Perhaps the biggest surprise of the night was the arrival on the goals table of ‘soon to be ex-manager’ Jimbo ‘The Cat’ Hepburn who in the midst of a slip blasted home a left foot beauty before claiming after the game “I realised that if I didn’t slip over I wouldn’t be able to direct it in!”
Another week, another up and down performance from the Bats who are now looking to tighten up their game, and particularly their defence, in time for next season.
PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---7--------4-------3-----------0---------0---------------2
A.Hodgson-------1-------0-------1-----------0---------0---------------0
T.Hodgson-------0-------0-------0-----------0---------0--------------0
S.McCartney-----5-------3-------3-----------2----------0--------------0
R.Felgate--------7--------9-------2-----------0---------0--------------0
J.Hepburn-------6--------1-------3-----------1--------0---------------0
A.Hepburn-------5-------1--------2----------2---------0--------------0
D.Hepburn-------5-------2--------1----------2---------0---------------0
D. Stalley---------2-------3--------2----------0---------0--------------0
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
Racing Bats week 2 - 20/10/08
SEVEN GOALS, TWO SENDING OFFS, THREE POINTS, A TABLETOP AND A CAR CRASH – all in all a successful evening for controversial Racing Bats.
Racing Bats 6 Dad's Army 1
Racing Bats 1 ODE Marys 4
FOUR goals from Felgate saw Racing Bats take three points in the second week of the Wandsworth First Division. The striker was in the type of sublime form we’ve not seen from him since… well… ever, and was unlucky only to walk away with four after the amount of shots he rocketed towards the petrified Dad’s Army goalkeeper.
He was joined on the score sheet by Disciplinary Dima who netted his second in as many weeks and Samsonite who saw his long-range effort partially parried before trickling over the line.
Shortly after his goal Dima was sent off by the referee for indignantly booting away the ball as the opposition prepared to take a freekick - which was gifted to them by the 6ft 8in playmaker when he passed directly back to Andy Hep in goal.
Samsonite, Dima, Andy Hep, James Hep and Duncan all got their names on the assist list with the sort of slick passing movements that Bats are fast becoming known for.
Bats went into the second game against league toppers ODE Marys with high spirits and high hopes – which were quickly dashed when Disciplinary Dima was awarded his second blue card of the night and two minutes in the sin bin for a vicious and illegal slide tackle that left at least two opposition players on the floor – one of who’s career lies in the balance as he fights to recover in a south London hospital bed.
Bats managed to keep the score line at an even 0-0 for much of the first half with some astonishing and acrobatic stops from Samsonite – some of which are likely to be voted in Football’s Top Ten Saves alongside Rene Higuita’s 1995 ‘Scorpion Kick’.
But lazy marking from Andy Hep saw Marys break the deadlock. Bats showed character when Duncan Hep slotted home a right foot effort but Marys went on to score another three to take the points.
Not even a last minute ‘tabletop’ of a Marys player, which involved Andy pushing a player over a crouched down Dima was enough of an effort to allow Bat’s to leave with their dignity intact.
Bats consoled themselves with a post-match pint and some talk of next week’s tactics before Andy Hep’s lazy braking – not dissimilar to his defending – saw him shunt his car into a white van which foolishly tried a quick right turn in his path.
Racing Bats 6 Dad's Army 1
Racing Bats 1 ODE Marys 4
FOUR goals from Felgate saw Racing Bats take three points in the second week of the Wandsworth First Division. The striker was in the type of sublime form we’ve not seen from him since… well… ever, and was unlucky only to walk away with four after the amount of shots he rocketed towards the petrified Dad’s Army goalkeeper.
He was joined on the score sheet by Disciplinary Dima who netted his second in as many weeks and Samsonite who saw his long-range effort partially parried before trickling over the line.
Shortly after his goal Dima was sent off by the referee for indignantly booting away the ball as the opposition prepared to take a freekick - which was gifted to them by the 6ft 8in playmaker when he passed directly back to Andy Hep in goal.
Samsonite, Dima, Andy Hep, James Hep and Duncan all got their names on the assist list with the sort of slick passing movements that Bats are fast becoming known for.
Bats went into the second game against league toppers ODE Marys with high spirits and high hopes – which were quickly dashed when Disciplinary Dima was awarded his second blue card of the night and two minutes in the sin bin for a vicious and illegal slide tackle that left at least two opposition players on the floor – one of who’s career lies in the balance as he fights to recover in a south London hospital bed.
Bats managed to keep the score line at an even 0-0 for much of the first half with some astonishing and acrobatic stops from Samsonite – some of which are likely to be voted in Football’s Top Ten Saves alongside Rene Higuita’s 1995 ‘Scorpion Kick’.
But lazy marking from Andy Hep saw Marys break the deadlock. Bats showed character when Duncan Hep slotted home a right foot effort but Marys went on to score another three to take the points.
Not even a last minute ‘tabletop’ of a Marys player, which involved Andy pushing a player over a crouched down Dima was enough of an effort to allow Bat’s to leave with their dignity intact.
Bats consoled themselves with a post-match pint and some talk of next week’s tactics before Andy Hep’s lazy braking – not dissimilar to his defending – saw him shunt his car into a white van which foolishly tried a quick right turn in his path.
PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---3--------2-------1-----------0---------0---------------2
A.Hodgson-------1-------0-------1-----------0---------0---------------0
T.Hodgson-------0-------0-------0-----------0---------0--------------0
S.McCartney-----3-------1-------1-----------1----------0--------------0
R.Felgate--------3--------4-------0-----------0---------0--------------0
J.Hepburn-------3--------0-------1-----------0--------0---------------0
A.Hepburn-------3-------0--------1----------1---------0--------------0
D.Hepburn-------2-------1--------1----------1---------0---------------0
Tables, fixtures and results here http://www.the-elms.co.uk/2006wandsworthres.htm
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Racing Bats week 1 13/10/08
Wandsworth new boys off to shaky start
Racing Bats Vs Sabretooth - Bats win due to no-show
Racing Bats 1 Wandsworth Stanley 2
A NIGHT of mixed emotions saw Racing Bats get off to a shaky start in their first ever season in the Wandsworth First Division on Monday.
The newly formed club, managed by James Hepburn, took a respectable three points from its first two games at the Wandsworth Arena - but fans are asking whether that would have been the case had first opponents, Sabretooth, actually turned up.
After being gifted three points, Bats went into the second game against Wandsworth Stanley with high hopes after showing class in a pre-season friendly against rivals Spartak Mojo, but no sooner had they relaxed into their stride when a lack of communication at the back saw them concede their first goal of the season.
A quickly taken and misdirected free kick from James Hepburn left Andy Hepburn baffled and apparently in such a state of shock that he was unable to chase back to prevent the arriving Stanley striker from slotting past temporary keeper Duncan Hepburn.
It wasn’t long before a beautiful passing move saw Bats back on level terms when Andy Hep found Hodge Jnr who neatly slotted to Ukrainian import Dima to calmly rifle into the bottom right-hand corner with his weaker right foot.
Bats dominated much of the game with solid defending from Samsonite, Felgate and James Hep, until a failure to track back by Bat’s front men saw them back to a one goal deficit when an opposition striker found himself one-on-one and side-footed home.
Bats had a number of chances to get back in the game and a rifled long-range shot from Felgate, which was destined for the top corner, was deflected wide by a defender. Minutes later Hodge Jnr slotted through the keeper’s legs only to see his effort graze the post. James Hep had the best of the late opportunities to tie up the game after a textbook one-two with Hodge Jnr left him with only the keeper to beat but an off-balance shot on his favoured left foot saw the ball bobble into the side netting.
Although Racing Bats first ever match will go down in the history books as an unfair defeat there were a lot of positives to be taken from the performance and an exiting future lies ahead for the club.
At a post-match press conference the manager was in high spirits and said: “It could have been a better start but there were some bright performances out there from a group of drinkers who have never played together before.
“We’ll all get together for a few pints and go over the tactics for next week when we’ll be looking to take six points.”
------PLAYER------------Apps--Goals--Assists--GK Apps--Clean sheet--Dis
- D.Vorobtsova---1--------1-------0-----------0---------0-------------0
- A.Hodgson-------1-------0--------1-----------0---------0-------------0
- T.Hodgson-------0-------0--------0-----------0---------0------------0
- S.McCartney-----1-------0--------0-----------0---------0------------0
- R.Felgate--------1--------0--------0-----------0---------0-------------0
- J.Hepburn-------1--------0--------0-----------0--------0-------------0
- A.Hepburn-------1-------0---------0----------0---------0-------------0
- D.Hepburn-------0-------0---------0----------1---------0-------------0
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