Week 3 - Summer 2011

'PASS AND MOVE' PROVING KEY TO SUCCESS FOR REJUVENATED BATS TEAM...

A new-look Bats team took to the field this season in an appropriately new-look Wandle five-a-side league that sees each team play one 36 minute game per week (similar to when the 'First Division' became the 'Premiership').

Needless to say that fitness immediately became an issue for the squad that often struggles to cobble together enough lads to play. The first week saw newcomer Paulo “Di Canio” Hep – a record signing for the club – make a much-anticipated debut.

But the former champs, who only marginally avoided relegation last season, stumbled at the first hurdle and suffered a 9-6 defeat to the decidedly average Bandits. On a brighter note Paulo impressed with his playmaking and was immediately asked to sign a long-term deal with the club - with the Bats’ Cat-like chairman even agreeing to turn a blind eye to the failed medical and drugs test in order to push the transfer through.

But the former champs learnt from their mistakes and stepped up their game to what was later described as their “best-ever performance” the following week as they overcame old rivals Neos with an epic 2-1 win. Free-flowing one-touch football was on the agenda with Duncan Hep and James “Gorlinhio” Gorely providing clinical finishes.

Week three saw the Bats keep their form and after a shaky start the team eventually cruised to 6-0 win, leaving them sitting joint second in table with one eye already on silverware. Duncan Hep was forced to sit out the game with a self-described “pain-in-the-ass” injury but he watched on as Gorely slotted the first two home in cool fashion, followed shortly after with finishes from "Discipline" Dimo Vorobstova, James “The Cat” Hepburn and last season's 'outstanding newcomer' award-winner Rob “Bobby Roo” McBarron, .

With a squad that is finally looking like real contenders and a team that is deperately trying to stay sober for the Monday night games, the Bats now look set to make a real push for the much-coveted league title.

Chairman James "The Cat" said: "Gorely is still banging them in left, right and centre (when he's not throwing a strop anyway).

"Rob is putting in fine performances between the sticks and is close to regaining his fitness enough to be a real danger to defenders outfield (when he can keep the ball below crossbar height that is).

"Dimo is using those ridiculously long legs to tackle people from up to a mile away and is chipping in with his fair share of goals (when he's not losing balls with wayward shots that sail into orbit).

"Duncan is staying solid at the back and even providing the odd goal (when he's not suffering debilitating ass problems).

"Paulo is settling in well and has fast become the playmaker the team has been lacking (when hes not gasping for someone to find him some water before he dies).

"Mike is as hard-tackling as ever (when he can be bothered to turn up).

"Andy Hep, who we allow back every now and again amidst controversy, put a great goalkeeping performance in again Neos.

"And me... well what can I say about me? When i'm not tripping over the ball i'm rifling shots into the top corners with my trusted left foot."



Pos Team Pld Won Drew Lost For Against Points Diff
1 SPARTAK MOJO 3 3 0 0 25 8 9 + 17
2 JSC 3 2 0 1 13 7 6 + 6
3 RACING BATS 3 2 0 1 14 10 6 + 4
4 THE BANDITS 3 2 0 1 17 16 6 + 1
5 BLUE MONDAYS 3 2 0 1 9 9 6 ---
6 KITCH & HONEY PR 3 1 1 1 12 6 4 + 6
7 NEOPOLITANS 3 1 0 2 12 10 3 + 2
8 OPTIMUS PRIME 3 1 0 2 6 21 3 - 15
9 CHESNEYS 3 0 1 2 2 10 1 - 8
10 GENESIS DONS 3 0 0 3 3 16 0 - 13

Week 1 - Spring 2010

BATS START AS THEY MEAN TO GO ON AFTER MISSING OUT ON LAST SEASON'S PREMIERSHIP TITLE BY A SOLITARY POINT...

Racing Bats 7 Dynamo Red 2

Racing Bats 5 JSC 1


PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---0------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----0------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
J.Hepburn------2-------1------2----------0---------0-------------0
A.Hepburn------2-------6------3-----------0---------0-------------0
D.Hepburn------2-------1------2-----------0---------0-------------0
D. Stalley-------0-------0------0-----------0---------0--------------0
J. Gorely--------2-------4------2-----------0--------0--------------0
T. Hodgson------0-------0-----2-----------2---------0-------------0

Week 7 Autumn/Winter 2010

BATS MOVE STEP CLOSER TO TOTAL DOMINATION...

Racing Bats 4 Dad's Army 2

Racing Bats 8 JSC 1

LAST week’s win and draw was unfortunately overshadowed with controversy after the club’s most successful captain to date, Andy Hepburn, threw the proverbial rattle from the pram and made a dramatic and petulant early exit from the stadium after seeing his team go three goals down with no more than two minutes left on the clock.

Of course, if Hepburn had stayed round instead of crying into the foam of a pint of Heineken at the local Irish pub – a favourite of Georgie Best’s as he plied his trade at the Wandle – he would have witnessed a display of incredible conviction as the remaining men in blue and white went on to draw the game.

It was no surprise then that in the lead-up to kick-off on Monday night murmurs fluttered round the stadium as to whether or not the seasoned player would turn up. But turn up he did – and with his full arsenal of shooting and passing in tow.

Amidst rumours of him being forced to step down and hand over the captain’s armband Andy Hep turned on the style to come off the bench and net two long-range efforts to carry on the impressive unbeaten run of 20 games (drawing only 4 times in that period) which has seen the Bats rise quickly back to the top of the Premier League table.

The star of the night had to be James Gorely, whose link-up work with fellow front man Damo just seems to get better with every week that goes by. The young playmaker tallied up an impressive five goals and four assists for the night in a bid to challenge Damo fir his undisputed top goalscorer title.

James Hep put in a solid performance and wait for it…. It’s big news…. It has been a long time coming…. You guessed it – he netted his first goal with his flashy new boots (above right). And a typically vicious strike it was too.

Hodgson was in characteristic shot-stopping form, using everything from his legs, hands and even plums to prevent the opposition scoring and Duncan Hep even weighed in with an assist.

And so the unbeaten streak continues but where it will take the Bats is anyone’s guess. As they say… what goes up must come down. But try telling that to the group of over-confident players who are crushing anyone in their way.

Player--------Apps------Goals----Assists---GK Apps--CS--Dis

D.Vorobtsova---10 (2)----10 (1)----7 (0)------0---------0---0

S.McCartney----5 (0)-----0 (0)----0 (0)------1----------0---0

J.Hepburn-------5 (3)----0 (1)-----0 (0)------1 (1)------0---0

A.Hepburn-----10 (3)-----3 (2)-----7 (2)------0 (1)------0---0

D.Hepburn-----10 (4)-----2 (0)-----0 (3)------0---------0---0

D. Stalley-------6 (4)------10 (4)----3 (4)------0---------0---0

J. Gorely-------10 (4)-----5 (10)----11 (5)-----0---------0---0

T. Hodgson-----0 (0)------0 (0)-----1 (1)------6 (2)-----1 (0)-0

Week 6 Autumn/Winter 2010

BATS START SEASON IN SEMI-CONVINCING STYLE...

Racing Bats 3 Neopolitans 2
Racing Bats 4 Broomwood Rovers 4


Player--------Apps-------Goals----Assists---GK Apps--Clean sheet--Dis
D.Vorobtsova---10 (2)-----10 (1)----7 (0)-------0---------0-------0
S.McCartney----5 (0)------0 (0)----0 (0)-------1----------0-------0
J.Hepburn-------5 (1)-----0 (0)-----0 (0)-------1 (1)------0-------0
A.Hepburn-----10 (1)------3 (0)-----7 (0)------0 (1)-------0-------0
D.Hepburn-----10 (2)------2 (0)-----0 (2)------0----------0-------0
D. Stalley-------6 (2)------10 (0)----3 (3)-------0----------0-------0
J. Gorely-------10 (2)------5 (5)----11 (1)-------0---------0--------0
T. Hodgson-----0 (0)------0 (0)-----1 (0)-------6 (0)------1 (0)----0

Week 5 Winter/Spring 2010

BATS TAKE TITLE.... Again

Racing Bats 7 Genesis Dons 1
Racing Bats 2 Neopolitans 1


FINAL STANDINGS (Halfway point)
Top scorer: Damo - 10 goals
Top assister: Gorely 11 assists

Player--------Apps----Goals----Assists---GK Apps--Clean sheet--Dis
D.Vorobtsova---10-------10---------7----------0-----------0-------0
S.McCartney----5--------0--------0----------1-----------0-------0
J.Hepburn-------5-------0--------0-----------1-----------0-------0
A.Hepburn-----10-------3--------7----------0-----------0-------0
D.Hepburn-----10--------2--------0----------0-----------0-------0
D. Stalley-------6--------10-------3----------0-----------0-------0
J. Gorely-------10--------5--------11----------0-----------0-------0
T. Hodgson-----0--------0--------1-----------6-----------1-------0

Week 4 - Winter/Spring 2010

AND THE UNBEATEN STREAK GOES ON, AND ON, AND ON, AND ON...........

Racing Bats 3 Blue Mondays 3

Racing Bats 4 Broomwood Rovers 2

Racing Bats 2 Blue Mondays 1

Racing Bats 4 The Bandits 2

Report to follow.....


Player--------Apps----Goals----Assists---GK Apps--Clean sheet--Dis
D.Vorobtsova----8-------4---------3----------0-----------0-------0
S.McCartney----5--------0--------0----------1-----------0-------0
J.Hepburn-------5-------0--------0-----------1-----------0-------0
A.Hepburn------8--------2--------6----------0-----------0-------0
D.Hepburn------8--------2--------0----------0-----------0-------0
D. Stalley-------6--------10-------3----------0-----------0-------0
J. Gorely--------8--------5--------6----------0-----------0-------0
T. Hodgson-----0--------0--------1-----------6-----------1-------0

Week 2 Winter/Spring 2010

TITLE holders extend unbeaten run to 10 games...

Racing Bats 2 The Bandits 2

Racing Bats 3 Neopolitans 2

Racing Bats 2 Genesis Dons 0

Racing Bats 2 Broomwood Rovers 1


LAST season’s championship team started as it left off winning the first four games of the season, leaving them unbeaten in over two months.

Damo Stalley has been in devastating form in front goal netting eight goals already as the Bats look to establish themselves at the top of the table. Andy Hep has weighed in with four assists – carrying on his role as “The Beast from the Bench”.

Defender Duncan Hep and midfield playmaker James Gorely have scored the clubs other two goals and two assists from Dima and a clean sheet from Tim “The Wall” Hodgson have helped the Bats to their impressive start.

The Bats seem to be slowly mastering the concept of ‘Total Football’ and their combination of enthralling quick one-touch passes mixed with aggressive in-your-face defending is proving a hit with the club’s fanbase.

But the pressure is now on the club with fans calling for nothing less than “total domination” of the league.


Player---------Apps----Goals----Assists---GK Apps--Clean sheet--Dis
D.Vorobtsova----4-------0---------2----------0-----------0-------0
S.McCartney----4--------0--------0----------0-----------0-------0
J.Hepburn-------4-------0--------0-----------0-----------0-------0
A.Hepburn------4--------0--------4----------0-----------0-------0
D.Hepburn------4--------1--------0----------0-----------0-------0
D. Stalley-------4--------8---------1----------0-----------0-------0
J. Gorely--------4--------1--------1-----------0-----------0-------0
T. Hodgson-----0--------0--------1----------10-----------1-------0