Week 10 - Autumn/Winter 09 - End of season

Historic night sees Bats secure first ever Premiership title...

Racing Bats 1 Broomwood Rovers 0
Racing Bats 5 Dad's Army 2

(Premier league stats in brackets)
Player------Apps----Goals----Assists---GK Apps--Clean sheet--Dis
D.Vorobtsova-12(6)----0(4)----1(2)------0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
S.McCartney--8(6)-----2(1)----1(0)------0(4)-------0(1)-------0(0)
J.Hepburn----12(5)----2(0)----0(1)------0(1)-------0(1)-------0(0)
A.Hepburn----12(7)----6(3)----3(4)------0(1)-------0(0)-------0(0)
D.Hepburn----12(8)----1(2)----2(1)------0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
D. Stalley------12(8)----8(13)---9(6)-----0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
J. Gorely------12(8)----8(7)----7(9)------0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
T. Hodgson----0(0)-----0(0)----3(2)-----10(2)------5(1)-------0(0)

Week 9 Autumn/Winter 09

BOTTLE JOB BATS CAN'T SECURE TOP SPOT...

Racing Bats 2 Neos 0

Racing Bats 2 Bandits 2

(Premier league stats in brackets)
Player------Apps----Goals----Assists---GK Apps--Clean sheet--Dis
D.Vorobtsova-12(4)----0(3)----1(2)------0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
S.McCartney--8(4)-----2(1)----1(0)------0(4)-------0(1)-------0(0)
J.Hepburn----12(5)----2(0)----0(1)------0(1)-------0(1)-------0(0)
A.Hepburn----12(5)----6(3)----3(3)------0(1)-------0(0)-------0(0)
D.Hepburn----12(6)----1(1)----2(1)------0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
D. Stalley------12(6)----8(10)---9(5)-----0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
J. Gorely------12(6)----8(6)----7(6)------0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
T. Hodgson----0(0)-----0(0)----3(2)-----10(2)------5(0)-------0(0)

Week 8 Autumn/Winter 09 Premier League

Racing Bats 4 Wandsworth Stanley 1

Racing Bats 5 Dad's Army 4

(Premier league stats in brackets)
Player------Apps----Goals----Assists---GK Apps--Clean sheet--Dis
D.Vorobtsova-10(4)----0(3)----1(1)------0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
S.McCartney--8(4)-----2(1)----1(0)------0(2)-------0(0)-------0(0)
J.Hepburn----10(5)----2(0)----0(1)------0(1)-------0(1)-------0(0)
A.Hepburn----10(5)----6(3)----3(2)------0(1)-------0(0)-------0(0)
D.Hepburn----10(6)----1(1)----2(1)------0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
D. Stalley------10(6)----8(7)----9(5)-----0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
J. Gorely------10(6)----8(5)----7(5)------0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
T. Hodgson----0(0)-----0(0)----3(2)-----10(2)------5(0)-------0(0)

Week 7 - Autumn/Winter 09 Premier League

BATS SITTING PRETTY IN 3rd DESPITE UP AND DOWN PERFORMANCES...

Racing Bats 0 Bandits 5

Racing Bats 6 Wandsworth Stanley 0

(Premier league stats in brackets)
Player------Apps----Goals----Assists---GK Apps--Clean sheet--Dis
D.Vorobtsova-10(2)----0(1)----1(0)------0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
S.McCartney--8(4)-----2(1)----1(0)------0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
J.Hepburn----10(3)----2(0)----0(0)------0(1)-------0(1)-------0(0)
A.Hepburn----10(3)----6(1)----3(1)------0(1)-------0(0)-------0(0)
D.Hepburn----10(4)----1(1)----2(1)------0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
D. Stalley------10(4)----8(3)----9(3)-----0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
J. Gorely------10(4)----8(4)----7(1)------0(0)-------0(0)-------0(0)
T. Hodgson----0(0)-----0(0)----3(2)-----10(2)------5(0)-------0(0)

Week 6 - Autumn/Winter 09 - Premier League

AN UGLY START UNDERGOES A FACELIFT TO KEEPS BATS HIGH HOPES OF GLORY ALIVE.

Racing Bats 0 Neopolitans 4

Racing Bats 5 Broomwood Rovers 1

THE Bats looked out of their depth as they stepped back up to Premiership-standard football this week and were immediately walloped by old rivals Neos.

But in true form and with a ‘Never Say Die’ attitude they dusted themselves off, had a quick read of Razor Ruddock’s ‘An Idiot’s Guide to Defending’ and hit the pitch to show why they deserve a position in the top flight.

Strike partnership GaS (Gorely and Stalley) were back in form to get the Bats off the mark in style with two goals from Stalley and one from Gorely. A surging solo-effort from Slow-Mo Samsonite saw him drive a finish into the bottom corner to make it four and great vision from last year’s Players’ Player of the Season Tim Hodge found a darting run from Duncan Hep who rebounded his own shot for the fifth.

As luck would have it a win and a loss from every team in the division means that he Bats are sitting pretty in third and looking forward to build on a shaky start next week.


(Premier league stats in brackets)

PLAYER-------Apps----Goals-----Assists----GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---10(0)----0(0)------1(0)------0(0)---------0(0)-------0(0)
S.McCartney----8(2)-----2(1)------1(0)-------0(0)---------0(0)-------0(0)
J.Hepburn------10(2)-----2(0)-----0(0)-------0(0)--------0(0)--------0(0)
A.Hepburn------10(2)-----6(0)-----3(1)-------0(0)--------0(0)--------0(0)
D.Hepburn------10(2)-----1(1)-----2(0)-------0(0)--------0(0)--------0(0)
D. Stalley--------10(2)-----8(2)-----9(0)-------0(0)--------0(0)-------0(0)
J. Gorely--------10(2)-----8(1)-----7(0)--------0(0)-------0(0)--------0(0)
T. Hodgson------0(0)------0(0)-----3(2)-------10(2)-------5(0)-------0(0)

Week 5 - end of season - Autumn/Winter 09

BATS TAKE TITLE IN RECORD-BREAKING SEASON...

BATS fans celebrated into the night as they watched their team cap off a record-breaking season with the First Division title and subsequent promotion to the dizzying heights of the prestigious Wandle Premier League.

The Racing Bats dominated the division with 25 points – 6 more than second-placed Bandits. A record 27 goals were tallied up between the eight Bats faithful and only 6 conceded – you guessed it, another record. And to top it all off Tim Hodgson battled to an outstanding, and again record-breaking, 5 clean sheets.

High points of the season include a deadlocked 8 goals each from strike partnership Gorely and Stalley (GaS) and some inspired appearances from Captain Andy Hep from the bench to net six goals. Duncan and James provided the no-holds-barred tackling and marking at the back and Dima contributed all he could – which amounted to just 1 assist – although he has denied any and all transfer rumours and claims that some newly-purchased Nikes will mean he is “up there with the best of them” in the scoring and assist tables next season.

But the main talking point of the season came from Sam McCartney. He became a fan-favourite and was dubbed ‘Slow-motion Samsonite’ amidst a media frenzy after breaking the record for the world’s slowest goal earlier in the season. Off the back of that it took him not once, not twice, but thrice almost identical efforts to score a tap-in from the edge of the box in a showdown with the opposition keeper. But score he did, and valuable he is as the club’s replica shirt sales went up 50 per cent this season with his name amongst the most popular choice for fans to wear on their back.

And for his outstanding efforts and game-winning saves this year's Players' Player of the Season trophy has been awarded to Tim Hodgson.

Bats chairman James Hepburn said: "According to his misses he's not known for his cleans sheets at home but for the Racing Bats he will always be Clean Sheet Hodgy and this seasons Player of the Season by unanimous decision, as voted for by the players.

"For his outstanding first season and goals a plenty James Gorley takes second place in the player of season voting, a star in the making and one to watch for next years award."

So all that remains before The Bats collect their trophies is to have an end-of-season blow-out and then get ready to face old rivals Neos in their first game back in the top flight.


Final player stat standings...
PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---10------0-------1----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----8-------2-------0----------0----------0------------0
J.Hepburn------10-------2------0----------0---------0-------------0
A.Hepburn------10-------6------3----------0---------0-------------0
D.Hepburn------10-------1------2-----------0---------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------10-------8------9----------0---------0-------------0
J. Gorely--------10-------8------7-----------0--------0--------------0
T. Hodgson------0-------0------3-----------10--------5-------------0

Week 4 - Autumn/Winter 09

BATS SAIL TO NEW HEIGHTS AS TWO MORE VICTORIES GUARANTEES SILVERWARE...


PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---8------0-------1----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----6------2-------0----------0----------0------------0
J.Hepburn------8-------1------0----------0---------0-------------0
A.Hepburn------8-------6------3-----------0---------0-------------0
D.Hepburn------8-------1------2-----------0---------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------8-------8------9-----------0---------0-------------0
J. Gorely--------8-------8------7-----------0--------0--------------0
T. Hodgson------0-------0-----3-----------8---------3-------------0

Week 3 - Autumn/Winter 09

PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---4------0-------1----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----2------1-------0----------0----------0------------0
J.Hepburn------4-------1------0----------0---------0-------------0
A.Hepburn------4-------3------2-----------0---------0-------------0
D.Hepburn------4-------1------2-----------0---------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------4-------7------5-----------0---------0--------------0
J. Gorely--------4-------6------5-----------0--------0--------------0
T. Hodgson------0-------0-----3-----------4---------1-------------0

Week 2 - Autumn/Winter 09

Bats in Devestating Form to take Unbeaten Run to Four Games...

Racing Bats 4 Bandits 1

Racing Bats 3 Genesis Dons AFC 1

THE opposition have been left flapping once more as the Bats continue their near- perfect start to the season.

Back-to-back victories on Monday night saw the new-look Bats prolong their run of form to take them five points clear at the top of the table.

Goals all round – with the exception of Dima – and two more solid performances from Tim ‘The Wall’ Hodgson meant that the Bats dished out the drummings with ease.

Word is that new man James Gorely, as well as goalie Tim have sparked the interest of premiership teams but with growing hope among the club players, personnel and fans, the two have issued statements that they are “more than happy” where they are and intend to “help the Bats achieve premiership status and recognition”.

Fans are delighted with the stomping of Bandits – who many consider to be the Bats biggest competition. A victory over Flying Wedge next week will mean every opponent will have been beaten by the ever-improving Bats in the first half of the season and it would take some shocking appearances to leave the team without a hope of promotion.

The GaS strike partnership was in fine form again with four goals and three assists between them and defenders Duncan and James Hepburn also chipped-in with a pin-point finish and powerhouse effort respectively.

A major talking point from Monday’s games will be the performance of the referee who shockingly gave around 50 per cent of all decisions the wrong way. Speaking after the game, a spokesman for the Bat’s fan club, ranted at reporters while being bundled into the back of a police van. “What a fu**ing p*ss taker!”, he said. “That two bit motherless t**t counld’t get the decision right if his life depended on it! I might cut him!”

But the most astonishing revelation of the evening was that remarkably not one of the Bat’s players confronted the ref or swore at him (not so he could hear anyway) which keeps the side’s discipline down to a new club record of 0.

Talking exclusively to http://www.racingbats.blogspot.com/ new club captain Andy Hep – who came off the bench to make an immediate impact with a goal again - said: “You fight, you’re off. You give the ref backchat, you’re off. Simple as that.”

Speaking about his undefeated start as club talisman he added: “The team was in a bit of a state when I took over. No disrespect to The Cat but he was half the captain I am and the results are there to prove it.”
PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---4------0-------1----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----2------1-------0----------0----------0------------0
J.Hepburn------4-------1------0----------0---------0-------------0
A.Hepburn------4-------3------2-----------0---------0-------------0
D.Hepburn------4-------1------1-----------0---------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------4-------7------5-----------0---------0--------------0
J. Gorely--------4-------5------5-----------0--------0--------------0
T. Hodgson------0-------0-----3-----------4---------1-------------0

Week 1 - Autumn/Winter 09

11 Goals, 10 Assists, 2 Wins, 1 Cleansheet and for once not a card in sight as Bats swoop to two outstanding victories.

Racing Bats 6 Jonnies Slow Coaches 1

THE first signs of a winter chill hung in the air as a new-look Bats squad took to the field at the Wandle Stadium for their first game of the new season on Monday evening.

The game started slowly against Jonnies Slow Coaches and the Bats looked as disorganised as ever as it quickly transpired that the new opponents were not quite as slow as their name suggested.

But the Bats quickly settled and began putting together some swift passing movements that ended with new striker James Gorely netting an impressively-taken hat trick. His newly-formed partnership with Damo Stalley, who also walked away with two goals, blossomed and new captain Andy Hep even chimed in with a beautifully taken slotted effort just moments after coming off the bench.

Between the sticks now-veteran keeper Hodgson was unfortunate not to keep a clean sheet after his defence let him down and the opposition pounced on what was only one of a few opportunities for a consolation goal.

Racing Bats 5 Blue Mondays 0

The Bats took to the second game against Blue Mondays with enthusiasm and it wasn’t long before GaS (Gorely and Stalley) has taken another three goals between them (Gorely 1, Stalley 2).

And low and behold Ando ‘El Capitain’ Hepburn once again announced himself from the bench with another calmly-slotted effort.

But the goal of the night surely has to belong to Samsonite ‘Power’ McCartney whose thunderbolt of an effort – timed to be moving at around 0.000001mph – left the keeper and supporters dumbfounded as they watched it trickle over the line in slow motion – not quite possessing the pace to reach the back of the net.

Some solid defending from The Cat, Dima and Duncan – and as usual some unyielding goal tending from Hodge was enough to take Bats to an almost flawless start to the new season and leave them at the top of the table with fans singing “GaS lifts us up where we belong!”.


PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---2------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----2------1-------0----------0----------0------------0
J.Hepburn------2-------0------0----------0---------0-------------0
A.Hepburn------2-------2------1-----------0---------0-------------0
D.Hepburn------2-------0------0-----------0---------0-------------0
D. Stalley-------2-------4------4-----------0---------0--------------0
J. Gorely--------2-------4------3-----------0--------0--------------0
T. Hodgson------0-------0-----2-----------2---------1-------------0
R.Felgate--------0------0------0-----------0---------0--------------0

Pre-season - Autumn/Winter 09

A NEW-look Bats squad, welcoming exciting prospect James Gorely to the line-up, is set to step out at the Wandle Arena amidst much expectation.

The seasoned Bats, who will be looking to secure two early victories in their promotion bid, also welcome back long-term absentees Damo Stalley and Samsonite McCarthy to embark on the new season with a record 8 players.

Murmurs of excitement can be heard amongst fans who eagerly await the debut of GaS (Gorely and Stalley) - an exciting strikeforce which promises not to disappoint on the goalscoring front.

The captan's armband has been passed over to Andy Hep after Bats talisman James 'The Cat' Hepburn stepped down amidst rumours of corruption.



PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---0------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----0------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
J.Hepburn------0-------0-------0----------0---------0-------------0
A.Hepburn------0-------0------0-----------0---------0-------------0
D.Hepburn------0-------0------0-----------0---------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------0------0------0-----------0---------0--------------0
J. Gorely--------0------0-------0-----------0--------0--------------0
T. Hodgson------0-------0------0-----------0---------0-------------0

R.Felgate--------0------0------0-----------0---------0--------------0

Week 9 - End of Spring/Summer 09

PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---16------10-------14----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----10------1-------0----------0----------0------------0
R.Felgate--------0------0------0-----------0---------0------------0
J.Hepburn------14-------7-------1----------2---------0-------------0
A.Hepburn------10-------4-------0----------6---------0-------------0
D.Hepburn------16-------3------3-----------0---------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------16------18------5-----------0---------0-------------0
T. Hodgson------1-------1-------1-----------4---------1-------------0

Week 8 - Spring/Summer 09

PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---14------10-------13----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----10------1-------0----------0----------0------------0
R.Felgate--------0------0------0-----------0---------0------------0
J.Hepburn------12-------7-------1----------2---------0-------------0
A.Hepburn------8-------4-------0----------6---------0-------------0
D.Hepburn------14-------2------3-----------0---------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------14------16------5-----------0---------0-------------0
T. Hodgson------0-------0-------1-----------2---------1-------------0

Week 4 Spring/Summer 09

A Pounce, a Ponce and a Prat

....just about somes up the Bats evening.


HOW the mighty have fallen! Bats everywhere will be extremely disappointed by last nights performance against the existing champions Neos.

The disappointment is not due to the result, this was bad enough and did not help. But really due to the teams attitude and ability to self destruct at the blow of a whistle. A whistle that was blown in their favour!!! The fans stood dumbstruck as Ando, instead of taking the quick kick for the foul committed, verbally lashed out at the referee and undid the first five minutes of near perfect, perhaps even genius playmaking.

The match was wrought with pressure from the constant tabloid and media build up but all signs of this were disregarded when the Bats took the field. Their usual swagger and domineering air of confidence was seen loud and proud. Those first five minutes we were treated to the ball moving effortlessly between the Bats players. It was the type of class we have come to expect and delight in but why is it that when it looks to good to be true it normally is with the Racing Bats. Those five minutes did not reward a goal but surely every second thereafter would have troubled Neos into making a mistake and then a goal mouth blunder would have surely followed. They were within touching distance of the game being remembered for total team football not often seen in the beautiful game.

Alas Ando’s verbal ref battering unnerved the obvious candidates and slowly but oh so very surely Dynamo Dimo and Dunc the Drunk lost their cool. Some will say they were never that cool in the first place but that argument is not for today. The referee was his usual predictable self and in his vain attempts to promote free flowing football he allowed the game and the tackling to spiral out of control. Once again a referee causes so much controversy in such a high pressured situation. Displaying characteristics of Tom Henning Ovrebo and his dire Chelsea vs Barca performance last week he cracked, and cracked some more, and then blatantly favoured Neos. It’s safe to say that not one of the Bats players stepped up to state they were fully behind Ando’s initial reaction and albeit Dunco’s and Dimo’s following reactions. Was it a lesson learnt from Drogba, Terry and Ovrebo? A lesson learnt maybe but we fear quickly forgotten.

The Racing Bats players and supporters were calling it an absolute disgrace. A disgrace it was but does the blame lie solely with the dire refereeing display? No it lies with the attitude and temperament of the Bats squad. They had the opportunity to knuckle down and grind out the performance of their lives and come away from the match as potential champions and deserved winners, but instead chose the opposite. To be fair to the Bats the Neo team tried everything to rile them, foul after foul after foul with no refereeing intervention was soon replied to and you guessed it by yet more fouls, but this time from the Bats.

STOP PRESS Ando ‘Hero’ Hep hits first hat trick.

The Neo’s match was an unfortunate turn of results as earlier on in the evening Ando quite sublimely hit his first Bats hat trick. His outfield holding and tangle footed slow motion style bewitched the opposition and the keeper was left flailing on those three exquisite occasions. The match ball would have been his but it’s actually Dimos so it is expected that they may arm wrestle for it later. Other than that some spectacular defending and strong timely tackling from Dunco with the odd leap of faith from the evening’s keeper The Cat would have led you to believe that it should have been a successful night in the Wandle Stadium! There are two ongoing injury concerns from the match; the first was rather serious and committed by the lad better known as the Brazilian from the Neos team as he tried to destroy Damos career! How many times can this part man, part machine return from a career threatening injury?! Once again he has reported back to light training until the results of a scan come through. And Samsonite’s dislocated knuckle is still a bit floppy.

The season goes on but can the Bats retain runner up spot for a consecutive season? Lets hope so as there commitment can not be doubted just their senses, words and tackle timing.



Crowd Chants:

Are you Ovrebo in Disguise..?
The Referees a Wank#r


PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---8------2-------8----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----6------1-------0----------0----------0------------0
R.Felgate--------0------0------0-----------0---------0------------0
J.Hepburn------6-------1-------0----------2---------0-------------0
A.Hepburn------2------3-------0----------6---------0-------------0
D.Hepburn------8-------1------2-----------0---------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------8------9------1-----------0---------0-------------0

Week 3 - Spring/Summer 09

PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---6------2-------5----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----4------1-------0----------0----------0------------0
R.Felgate--------0------0------0-----------0---------0------------0
J.Hepburn------6-------1-------0----------0---------0-------------0
A.Hepburn------0------0-------0----------6---------0-------------0
D.Hepburn------6-------1------2-----------0---------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------6------9------1-----------0---------0-------------0

Week 2 - Spring/Summer 09

PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---4------1-------2----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----2------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
R.Felgate--------0------0------0-----------0---------0------------0
J.Hepburn------4-------1-------0----------0---------0-------------0
A.Hepburn------0------0-------0----------4---------0-------------0
D.Hepburn------4-------1------2-----------0---------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------4------7------1-----------0---------0-------------0

Week 10 - End of season

Final stats table:

PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---18------14-------12----------1----------0------------1
T.Hodgson------0-------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----0-------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
R.Felgate--------0-------0-------0-----------0----------0------------0
J.Hepburn------11-------4-------3----------9----------1-------------0
A.Hepburn------8--------3-------1----------10---------2-------------0
D.Hepburn------18-------7------3-----------1----------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------19------23------4----------0---------0------------0
Rich-------------4-------1--------0----------0---------0-------------1

Week 9

PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---16------13-------9----------1----------0------------1
T.Hodgson------0-------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----0-------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
R.Felgate--------0------0-------0-----------0----------0------------0
J.Hepburn-------9-------2-------3----------9----------1-------------0
A.Hepburn-------8-------3-------1----------8----------2-------------0
D.Hepburn-------16-------5------2----------1----------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------17------19-------1----------0---------0------------0
Rich-------------4-------1--------0----------0---------0-------------1

Week 7

BATS SHOW THAT THEY'RE NO PUSHOVER IN QUEST FOR PREMIERSHIP TITLE...

FURTHER to last weeks inaugural premiership debacle all team members were present and correct after strict disciplining by team officials and a revised transport strategy was put in place.

The strategy relied upon a Racing Bats board meeting with the local Council followed with further lobbying enabling the Bat Bus to travel in Wandsworth bus lanes. Mayor Boris became entangled in the argument as Borough politics took on the London Authority! The Mayor was quoted to say “such excellence in sporting fair play cannot be hampered by London’s transport network and therefore this unprecedented move will allow this team of role models freedom on the Borough of Wandsworth” Lucky enough when that whistle blows all politics becomes unimportant and the game comes to the forefront.

So to our first match which saw the Bats take on the reigning Premier League Champions; Neopolitans! The Bats looked confident and eager to play, one could have mistaken it for a touch of laziness but as the whistle blew the match sparked into life. Straight away it was obvious another Premier League team were caught off guard by this trailblazing tactical machine. One touch football accompanied by calm defensive positioning held Neo at bay. Neo were offered only one opportunity in the game which they took with an exceptional shot and goal. Alas they were already three-nil down and that one goal was not going to do the trick. The Bats bided their time and took every opportunity to strike as the Neo defence crumbled. Five Goals and yet another hat trick from Damo left the Premier League Officials, Crowds and Opposition unable to keep up with the pace of play. So much so and despite awarding five goals during the game the referee only notched up four to the Bats on his match card. An official inquiry is underway.

Wandsworth Stanley looked on in horror as they attempted to psyche themselves up for the next fixture. Alas and, despite the Bats back-to-back matches which pushed fitness levels to the limit, Stanley were no match for them. A gruelling physical battle left its mark on Stanley with a couple of injuries and likewise a sending off for the Ukrainian Super Star, Dimo. Not quite in line with club fair play and discipline principles but can the giant of man help it if he always gets to the ball first with those commanding size 16’s?! Alas the official should have been more lenient or less blind, who's to say? A Bat one - nil lead was brought level before half time but then the Bats stretched their legs and banged in a couple of beauties - one a deflection marking Duncan Hep's fifth of the campaign!

Another victory and a superior goal difference puts the Racing Bats at the top of table. From the depths of the A3 and East Hill jams to the top flight of the premiership in just 2 weeks and 3 games....expectation is high at the Wandle!

PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---12------11-------8----------1----------0------------1
T.Hodgson------0-------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----0-------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
R.Felgate--------0------0-------0-----------0----------0------------0
J.Hepburn-------8-------2-------3----------8----------1-------------0
A.Hepburn-------7-------3-------1----------6-----------1-------------0
D.Hepburn-------12-------5-------1---------1-----------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------13------15-------0----------0-----------0------------0

Week 6

Roadwork’s Jam Bat's Premiership Debut...

THE founding member, Captain and Player Manager was the only Bat ready to go last night at the Wandle Stadium.
The team coach had been held up on East Hill by road works and the lonely portly figure of The Cat stood unfretted willing to play rush goalie and have a pop at Mojo alone. A full squad of Mojo players lined up taunting the Cat but he stood strong, chomping at the bit and heard screaming “I’ll take you all down with me you ...#$%..!”
The Bats finally arrived but despite much protest the referee called the match in favour in Mojo. The arch rivals now archer than ever agreed to play the final minutes of the time allotment in a so called friendly that would not count to the league, within seconds the friendly became a Test and the Bats set about toying with their foe and beating them soundly. They swore to avenge the loss that was never a loss and the animosity between teams and official was at boiling point. The Bats team were luckily without their midfield maestro mouth of the south Ando as rumours of Swiss clinics persisted...some tabloid press even insinuating this as a cover up with evidence proving he was skiing like gimp whilst drinking himself and Sir Collo the Great under the table most nights! No doubt the rumours are not far from the truth and the estranged maverick Sir Collo will tell all...

Anyway replacing Ando was the Trickster ‘Tricky Dicky’ Richard Moran the latest signing to the illustrious Bats camp. Ando was not missed as Tricky slotted into the set up during the Mojo warm up test.

The second match of the evening enabled the Bats to really get on with their first season in the Premier League. The gentle Mojo warm up enabled a confident and impatient team enough edginess to really go for it. Little did the seasoned opposition realise that the promoted newbys would be so hardened, and from there on in the onslaught began...

Week 5

BATS STAND TALL TO CLAIM FIRST-EVER WINNERS MEDALS!

THE Racing Bats stood tall and proud as they watched-on and saw their promotion guaranteed by Spartak Mojo beating The Bandits.

The night could not have got off to a better start for both Bats and Mojo alike. Never before have the arch rivals been so close in ambition and achievement.

But in stark comparison start-of-season favourites the Bandits threw away their promotion opportunity by losing to Dads Army in a shock defeat. Bandit players and fans were jointly ejected from the Wandle Stadium as seats were ripped up and the gentile family occasion was marred by scenes of violence.

The Bandits were left to rely on a Bats victory to guarantee their promotion but the in-form side merely waltzed onto the pitch without a care in the world and strutted their stuff with brilliant white shirts and arrogant attitudes on display.

Mojo - still reeling from recent defeats against their derby rivals - looked an altogether different outfit, with determination set fiercely in their eyes and not a smile between them. But had the sauntering Bats spotted this change in stature? Had they boll##ks - they were already celebrating as the typically over optimistic fanatic crowd cheered “that’s why we’re champions, that’s why we’re champions.”

The scene was set and the whistle blew as a rabid Mojo threw everything they had at the opposing team with a never-before-seen vicious onslaught. Half-time came and went before the Bats finally awoke from their dream world to find a ravaged pitch, dishevelled comrades and a two goal deficit. All that could be done was to watch in despair as the the team managed to hold their back line and step off the field with their crowning moment suddenly in real jeopardy.

The crowd had fallen silent and suddenly the weight of despair began to descend on the Racing Bats. Were their shoulders broad enough to take such pressure? Had they thrown away their title dream? If the Managers aggression was anything to go by then there was some fight left in the team. His ferocious tirade of abuse at the players certainly spurred the frustrated and impatient crowd into action with outbreaks of jeers and flair throwing. A solemn Bats team were marched single file back onto the field. No emotion, no murmur of expectation with all in anticipation as to which team had turned up......The Champions or The Pompous Fairy Fudgepackers?!

The match against PSV Wandsworth was well into the first half when the Bats finally settled. The signs of redemption came with a goal from Duncan Hep but a sloppy equaliser from PSV soon after was enough to finally kick-start the Bats! And kick start it they did. Out of the blocks at full throttle and a more pressing team tore apart the opposition. Goals followed goals as every outfield player took it in turn to chisel their name onto the scoresheet. Dunco, Damo, Dimo and finally The Cat with a lightening turn, break away and a delightful right foot.

5 -1 at the final whistle saw the exhausted Bats fall to their knees. The Bandits nowhere to be seen, Spartak Mojo already down the pub celebrating an unexpected promotion and The Mighty Racing Bats crowned as Champions. The Queen anthem chorused throughout the stadium with the Bats jubilant but ready for their promotion debrief and well-earned cocktails.

Monday night football never had so many thrills, spills and violence. All expectations are on next season with the premiership awaiting both Bats and Mojo. All bets are on with a variety of odds available but early indications on Mojo for mid table and the Racing Bats in another push for silverware and premier title.


PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---10-------6-------6----------1----------0------------0
T.Hodgson------0-------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----0-------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
R.Felgate--------0------0-------0-----------0----------0------------0
J.Hepburn-------6-------1-------3----------5----------1-------------0
A.Hepburn-------6-------3-------1---------4-----------1-------------0
D.Hepburn-------9-------4-------1---------1-----------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------10------11-------3----------0-----------0------------0

Week 4

BATS FLY TO BLISTERING NEW HEIGHTS AND NEST AT TOP OF TABLE...

FOLLOWING last weeks snowed-off games you’d be forgiven for thinking that the Wandle Stadium would once again be deserted as torrential rain crashed down on Monday night.

But players and supporters alike showed their true grit and dedication to south London’s finest five-a-side league and the stage was set for the Bats to carry on their seemingly unstoppable charge up the table.

The artificial surface carried a zip not witnessed by the Racing Bats before but the eager crowd made clear their feelings that a pacey-pitch could work in promotion-hungry teams favour.

So as the penultimate week of the season kicked-off high expectations were quickly quashed by the news that the Bats already depleted squad was only four in number. Damo was no where to be seen and rumours were rife of him missing the team bus and making his own way to the stadium.

The blood-hungry crowd were chanting at the groundsmen – Roy’ the Gardener’ Gardner - “Are You Damo in Disguise?” But alas no he was not! The match started with a quick addition to the squad to make up the five. Unfortunately the ‘newby’ was a delinquent misfit who found it funny to tackle his own team members and was last seen laughing like the A-Teams Murdoch while humping the corner flag! It would not be out of hand to suggest he had either accepted a bung from local mafia betting rings, inadvertently wandered into the arena while in the midst of an acid trip or escaped from a local ‘special’ hospital.

It has however now been confirmed that he was sectioned under the mental health act and taken away in the early hours of Tuesday morning.

The Racing Bats went Two-nil down early on and the evening quickly started looking very bleak along with the worsening weather and mood of the dedicated supporters. Some question marks have been raised over Duncan Hep’s goalkeeping ability in the past, and there was seemingly no change on Monday night with the fifty-yard rockets presenting no problem but tap-ins and close-range shots leaving the keeper in a weeping heap on the floor.

With less than five minutes left in the match there was a roar from the crowd as Damo stepped out of the tunnel and readied himself for action. The Bats now up to full strength changed tactics and immediately went on the rampage. Within seconds they had scored with a powerful effort from towering all-rounder Dimo. Straight from the kick off the Bats were all over them and an equaliser, and second goal for the big man, was smashed home. Dads Army were panicked and had lost the plot and, taking advantage, the Bats soared forwards. With the clock ticking down and only seconds remaining Andy Hep slotted home the unlikely winner and the crowd went ballistic. The Bats held out but struggled to keep their calm knowing full well the top of the table clash was only a game away.

By now the fans had worked themselves into a frenzy, with hedonistic chanting more common with festivals than football! The Bandits, and self proclaimed so called headline act, took to the field amidst some crowd hostility. They were quickly followed by the Racing Bats in full team colours seemingly bounding onto the pitch and lapping up the pouring rain. It was comparable to a Battle of Bands and the Kaiser Chiefs to the Beastie Boys. They predicted a riot but got sabotaged as the Bats fought for their right to party.

The Bandits failed to hold their backline, frustration and grip on reality as they were taken apart. In full stride with debilitating passing it was close to the half way point when the Bats went one-nil up. If it were not for his smaller stature and pale white skin Damo’s step over frenzy and boyish charm could have had him being mistaken for Ronaldo. A nutmeg to their bruising target man and he was off down the left wing letting loose a finish the keeper had no chance of saving. The Cat was to be found in goal, and despite a cramp-ridden calf, making stupendous, lightning reaction save after save. The second goal and nail in the coffin came again from Damo – with a trademarl left-footed finish from the left flank.

The Bandits were distraught and with a suspected metatarsal injury to Dimo from a ungainly Bandit challenge, the Cat came out of goal to relieve the ailing Ukrainian.

A number of impressive last-ditch tackles from Duncan Hep were not enough to stop the Bandits taking advantage of the swap and quickly nicking a consolation goal but the defence shut up shop for the evening and played out their encore to record what could be prove to be a pivotal victory.

The Racing Bats are now top of the league going into the final fixtures with the title and promotion fully in their hands. But it is hard to believe after yesterday’s performance that they will let this epic season slip from their grasp. T

Bats arch-rivals Spartak Mojo seem to have put their early season problems behind them as they now join the promotion race. With two recent wins and the hope of two more next week mixed with some favourable results they could well join the Bats in the Premier Division next season.


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Tabloid Gossip:

Kinky Ledge Cuffed!
- Rumours are rife about Damo’s match start miss. Damo the Ledge Stallion was found by friends, naked, gagged and cuffed to his bed. A source close to the family has suggested his police woman girlfriend had something to do with it.

Dimo Sidelined for 3 weeks
- Dimo has been sidelined for 3 weeks with a badly bruised metatarsal.

Dimo Breaks Metatarsal
- Dimo joins Rooney and Beckham in breaking his metatarsal and being sidelined for the rest of the season.

Dimo Spotted at Training Ground
- Dimo has been spotted putting the hours in as he shakes off last nights gruelling match.


PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---8--------5-------6----------1----------0------------0
T.Hodgson------0-------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----0-------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
R.Felgate--------0------0-------0-----------0----------0------------0
J.Hepburn-------5-------0-------3----------4----------1-------------0
A.Hepburn-------5-------3-------1---------3-----------1-------------0
D.Hepburn-------7-------3-------1---------1-----------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------8-------9-------2----------0-----------0------------0

Week 2

Week 2
Racing Bats 2 Dad’s Army 1
Racing Bats 3 Spartak Mojo 0

RECORD BREAKING NIGHT FOR SOARING BATS!

BATS are flying high after a night that saw history in the making.

Bats fans saw their team record back-to-back victories in one night for the first time in the club’s history on Wednesday at the famous Wandsworth Arena.

Furthermore the night also saw Duncan Hep hit home with his first-ever competitive hat-trick for the Bats to emerge with a 3-0 whitewash of arch-rivals Spartak Mojo.

The results mean that Bats have firmly planted themselves in second place in the league with only unbeaten Bandits ahead of them.

But the broken records will mean nothing unless the Bats can build on their current form with good results against top-placed Bandits and third-placed Video Cali.

The back pages of the Sunday press have been questioning apparrent plans to put in-form player Duncan Hep between the sticks for the two games. Hep was quoted on Sunday afternoon as saying: "Of course it's the manager's decision and I respect that - but I also want the chance to build on last week's performance and if he thinks i'm going in goal without a fight then there could be problems!"

These loose-lipped quotes have sparked rumours that Duncan Hep could be docked a week's wages and The Cat has urged players to talk to him before going to the press in future.

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And now for an official club statement from Captain, Director of Football and Manager... The Cat..

It is with great sadness that we kick off the second ever season of the Racing Bats with a depleted squad. Firstly we wish Samsonite all the best in progression of his career and hope that he is available, fitter and more calculated than ever next season.

Secondly all our thoughts go out to Felgate. The club can confirm he has undergone key hole surgery on what is still believed to be a career threatening knee injury. A testimonial is scheduled towards the end of the season against arch rivals Spartak Mojo, all proceeds will go to the ‘Save the Felgate Foundation’ and hopefully finance his trip to the US of A to see a specialist. We hope Felgate uses this support wisely and does not come back with his knee still in tatters but instead a converted Scientologist with a massive new penis.

Whilst on the topic of injury it would be appreciated if anyone happens to spot our stay away player Hodgy? If so could they please let us know his whereabouts, he was last seen nearly making the Tenerife training camp before play acting a foot injury and having an alleged bust up with middle eastern investors over club plans for world domination.

However lets put that all to one side and get positive. A bloody great start to the first four matches has put the Bats straight into the promotion fight, its early days but the depletion of the squad has only helped gel the boys together creating a real unit of pure resilience and resolve. Aside from the title race a special mention goes to Monday nights Hat trick Hero Bat! A remarkable performance resembling the great Rush, Dalglish Liverpool era has led the fans to already hotly tip Duncan for players player and even peoples player of the year awards!!!

The big question I ask myself is should it have been 4 goals? If you'd measured the FA Ruling against the opposing keepers crossbar height then the answer is 'No', disallowed. But if you'd measured the ruling against his moral then the call is 'YES' GOOOOAAAL. Whatever the rule and its apparent crossbar height relation the moral grounding or should I say grinding left its mark. The disdain and arrogance of the chip reminded me of Cantona! If Duncan had a collar it would have been well and truly up with seagulls following his trawler . Such controversy will always be refuted and never agreed upon but remembered forever. So all there is for me to say is that performances like this warrant terrace songs of legend and stories fathers will tell their sons and their sons sons in generations to come!

Permissum Pugna Ineo

The Cat

PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---4--------3-------4-----------0---------0------------0
T.Hodgson------0-------0-------0-----------0---------0------------0
S.McCartney----0-------0-------0-----------0---------0------------0
R.Felgate--------0------0-------0-----------0---------0-------------0
J.Hepburn-------2-------0-------1-----------2--------0--------------0
A.Hepburn-------2-------1-------1----------2---------1-------------0
D.Hepburn-------4-------3-------0----------0---------0-------------0
D. Stalley---------4-------4------1----------0---------0--------------0

SEASON 2 Week 1

Racing Bats 3 PSV Wandsworth 2
Racing Bats 4 Video Cali 4

PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---2--------3-------1-----------0---------0---------------0
T.Hodgson-------0-------0-------0-----------0---------0--------------0
S.McCartney-----0------0-------0-----------0---------0--------------0
R.Felgate---------0-----0-------0-----------0---------0--------------0
J.Hepburn-------0-------0-------1-----------2--------0---------------0
A.Hepburn-------2-------1-------0----------0---------0--------------0
D.Hepburn-------2-------0-------0----------0---------0---------------0
D. Stalley---------2-------2------1----------0---------0--------------0