Week 4

BATS FLY TO BLISTERING NEW HEIGHTS AND NEST AT TOP OF TABLE...

FOLLOWING last weeks snowed-off games you’d be forgiven for thinking that the Wandle Stadium would once again be deserted as torrential rain crashed down on Monday night.

But players and supporters alike showed their true grit and dedication to south London’s finest five-a-side league and the stage was set for the Bats to carry on their seemingly unstoppable charge up the table.

The artificial surface carried a zip not witnessed by the Racing Bats before but the eager crowd made clear their feelings that a pacey-pitch could work in promotion-hungry teams favour.

So as the penultimate week of the season kicked-off high expectations were quickly quashed by the news that the Bats already depleted squad was only four in number. Damo was no where to be seen and rumours were rife of him missing the team bus and making his own way to the stadium.

The blood-hungry crowd were chanting at the groundsmen – Roy’ the Gardener’ Gardner - “Are You Damo in Disguise?” But alas no he was not! The match started with a quick addition to the squad to make up the five. Unfortunately the ‘newby’ was a delinquent misfit who found it funny to tackle his own team members and was last seen laughing like the A-Teams Murdoch while humping the corner flag! It would not be out of hand to suggest he had either accepted a bung from local mafia betting rings, inadvertently wandered into the arena while in the midst of an acid trip or escaped from a local ‘special’ hospital.

It has however now been confirmed that he was sectioned under the mental health act and taken away in the early hours of Tuesday morning.

The Racing Bats went Two-nil down early on and the evening quickly started looking very bleak along with the worsening weather and mood of the dedicated supporters. Some question marks have been raised over Duncan Hep’s goalkeeping ability in the past, and there was seemingly no change on Monday night with the fifty-yard rockets presenting no problem but tap-ins and close-range shots leaving the keeper in a weeping heap on the floor.

With less than five minutes left in the match there was a roar from the crowd as Damo stepped out of the tunnel and readied himself for action. The Bats now up to full strength changed tactics and immediately went on the rampage. Within seconds they had scored with a powerful effort from towering all-rounder Dimo. Straight from the kick off the Bats were all over them and an equaliser, and second goal for the big man, was smashed home. Dads Army were panicked and had lost the plot and, taking advantage, the Bats soared forwards. With the clock ticking down and only seconds remaining Andy Hep slotted home the unlikely winner and the crowd went ballistic. The Bats held out but struggled to keep their calm knowing full well the top of the table clash was only a game away.

By now the fans had worked themselves into a frenzy, with hedonistic chanting more common with festivals than football! The Bandits, and self proclaimed so called headline act, took to the field amidst some crowd hostility. They were quickly followed by the Racing Bats in full team colours seemingly bounding onto the pitch and lapping up the pouring rain. It was comparable to a Battle of Bands and the Kaiser Chiefs to the Beastie Boys. They predicted a riot but got sabotaged as the Bats fought for their right to party.

The Bandits failed to hold their backline, frustration and grip on reality as they were taken apart. In full stride with debilitating passing it was close to the half way point when the Bats went one-nil up. If it were not for his smaller stature and pale white skin Damo’s step over frenzy and boyish charm could have had him being mistaken for Ronaldo. A nutmeg to their bruising target man and he was off down the left wing letting loose a finish the keeper had no chance of saving. The Cat was to be found in goal, and despite a cramp-ridden calf, making stupendous, lightning reaction save after save. The second goal and nail in the coffin came again from Damo – with a trademarl left-footed finish from the left flank.

The Bandits were distraught and with a suspected metatarsal injury to Dimo from a ungainly Bandit challenge, the Cat came out of goal to relieve the ailing Ukrainian.

A number of impressive last-ditch tackles from Duncan Hep were not enough to stop the Bandits taking advantage of the swap and quickly nicking a consolation goal but the defence shut up shop for the evening and played out their encore to record what could be prove to be a pivotal victory.

The Racing Bats are now top of the league going into the final fixtures with the title and promotion fully in their hands. But it is hard to believe after yesterday’s performance that they will let this epic season slip from their grasp. T

Bats arch-rivals Spartak Mojo seem to have put their early season problems behind them as they now join the promotion race. With two recent wins and the hope of two more next week mixed with some favourable results they could well join the Bats in the Premier Division next season.


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Tabloid Gossip:

Kinky Ledge Cuffed!
- Rumours are rife about Damo’s match start miss. Damo the Ledge Stallion was found by friends, naked, gagged and cuffed to his bed. A source close to the family has suggested his police woman girlfriend had something to do with it.

Dimo Sidelined for 3 weeks
- Dimo has been sidelined for 3 weeks with a badly bruised metatarsal.

Dimo Breaks Metatarsal
- Dimo joins Rooney and Beckham in breaking his metatarsal and being sidelined for the rest of the season.

Dimo Spotted at Training Ground
- Dimo has been spotted putting the hours in as he shakes off last nights gruelling match.


PLAYER------Apps---Goals---Assists---GK Apps---Clean sheet---Dis
D.Vorobtsova---8--------5-------6----------1----------0------------0
T.Hodgson------0-------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
S.McCartney----0-------0-------0----------0----------0------------0
R.Felgate--------0------0-------0-----------0----------0------------0
J.Hepburn-------5-------0-------3----------4----------1-------------0
A.Hepburn-------5-------3-------1---------3-----------1-------------0
D.Hepburn-------7-------3-------1---------1-----------0-------------0
D. Stalley--------8-------9-------2----------0-----------0------------0